His Gal

My 3 Day Social Media Fast

2011-12-02T08:41:00.001+08:00

This is my reflection after my Social Media Fast. I won't write about whatever happens every one hour, because it would totally bore you out, since i am always at home everyday. So i am just sharing what had God used to touch my heart through these 3 Days of Social Media Fast :) Pardon me for any grammatical errors, because i wrote this early in the morning, i'm still very sleepy.

For those who do not know me, I am Emily Ng, i am from the G1 North East Region , i came from Jurongville Secondary School (the West side, i have to make this statement because it seems that quite a few have not heard of my school before) , i am aged 15 going on to 16 next year. :)

Pencil : I'm sorry.
Eraser : For what? You didnt do anything wrong.
Pencil : I'm sorry you got hurt because of me. Whenever i made mistakes, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you slowly lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.
Eraser : Thats true. But i don't really mind. You see, i was created to do this. I was created in the mind of God with the purpose to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day i know i will be gone, i'm pleased with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad.

Our Parents are like the eraser whereas we children are like the pencil. They're always there for their children, cleaning up their mistakes, forgiving them. Sometimes along the way they will get hurt or feel neglected and eventually go up to heaven when their duty is finished, they will still be proud of their children that had grown up to be independent.

As i went on the social media fast, i suddenly am reminded of that previous statement and realised how heart-wrenching true that statement is. Teenagers these days get more and more absorbed in their own fantasy and gadgets, they start to neglect their parents and whatever they had done for them. Where did the gadgets came from? How would you be able to come into this world if God did not place you into your parents' care? How will you be able to remain in this world until now if God did not place you into such parents that will care, love and believe in their children? Parents no matter how harsh we treat them or rebelled against them, in the very end of everything, they will still be proud of you and tell everyone that "That's my girl/boy." We may get annoyed by their constant nagging, tired of them not appreciating our own interests, angry at their old-fashioned thinking. But They, are the very ones who will still forgive you for your mistakes and welcome you back into their arms when you came back from rebellion. Parents may not understand our world, they may get frustrated when they do not understand the craze over chasing of new technology gadgets, they may scold you periodically because of trivial mistakes you made. However, in their minds, you will always be that one and only child that they will love, give their all and in their hearts,we children are irreplaceble. Can you see how God loves us so much, He will even place us with parents that love us so much despite everything and He would provide for us so that we would not feel lacked of anything? In John 3:16 , " For God so loved the world that HE gave His One and Only Son, that whoever believes in His shall not perish but have eternal life. " :) I had a hard time not touching my handphone to go onto facebook and twitter, because i was so used to being connected to the Internet. And ever since i am a teenager, i always rebelled against my parents, which made me a difficult child in their eyes. As i had this reflection during my 3 days Social Media Fast, i felt as though Lord is trying to let me realise that i shouldnt do this to my parents, that no matter how hard it is or tempting it is to rebel against them, i should obey them as it is said in the Ten Commandments. Because through this 3 days SM Fast, i had a quarrel with my parents. Well it was only after that quarrel that i came to remember the previous statement i once read from my classmate. God touched my heart and opened my eyes to what i was blind to before and yes, i cried and prayed to God that i want to repent my actions and it was as though the burden, (as in having to quarrel with my parents day and night and then having to see my mother cry which pains my heart) it was lifted from my heart. I didnt really kind of expected God would use this approach to touch my heart during this three days fast , it was totally unexpected, i wasn't ready for it but after everything that had happened, i am thankful to God for forgiving me and made me realise my actions before it was too late to. :)

This is my sharing after my 3 day Social Media Fast. :)

Jesus born of a virgin, lived and walked on earth, suffered and died on the cross, was buried, was resurrected three days later. First of all, we need to ask ourselves : Why did God go through such trouble to offer us forgiveness? Couldnt He just forgive us? Yes, but if He did that without dealing with our sins, He would be a loving but not a just God. To be true to His character, God cannot say "I love you so much that i am willing to forgive you and forget the other aspects of My character." In His love, He cant disregard justice. As the boy by the Sea of Galilee must have surely felt, we are constantly awed and humbled by what God can do when we give him what we have. ( John 6:1-13)

I won't be online still that much. Because it was through solitude, serenity and silence that i managed to connect with God and changed my life. :) i still very much want to enjoy His Presence. :) i will only be online fortnightly though because i have to check my emails. :) thank you.

2011-11-20T17:39:00.001+08:00

Today is Sunday.
:)
long time never update lerhh.
im coping fine though.
trying to go through this hectic week

plus quarrels every fortnight too.
so kinda troublesome and
irritating

but can really be tiring.
and sian.
my gastric pain is acting up here and then.
OMG. THIS IS SERIOUSLY TROUBLESOME

oh well.
:)
God, i promised to you that i will be a better person for you
Lord , please be with me when nobody else can. :) <3

2011-11-16T13:44:00.001+08:00

Finally get to update my blog. phew. :D :D
im so happpyy.
my blog so pwrettyyy :P:P
SHINee still rocks in my heartttt.

^^
And and,
yeah i kind of never update in a month already.
getting lazy.
basically,

i got promoted to sec 4 express,
i fail only two subjects,
i love SHINee more and more,
i read devotions more and more.

completed Genesis by myself
then...

everything's still..okay?
that's kind of an overstatement.
but i am trying to be alright for everyone.
so they wont worry.

but as the day pass,
i miss that person more and more.
knowing i cant possibly bother that person.
sighhhhh. that person is having a major exam.

wonder if it's finish? O.o
okay fine.
gonna go. cos' im so boreddd.
picspam then. :D :D
KEYYYYYYYY ><

Post Created Sep 26, 2011 6:55:23 PM

2011-09-26T18:54:00.001+08:00

Im not going to blog as often, until october 13 then update EVERYTHING. so sorry, because of exams, i cant be distracted. Thank you very much! :)

Love you for being so understanding.
Daily blog updates will resume on Oct 13.
For now,
I shall put my blog to sleep. ^^

Love that person so much.
<3
:):)
Byeeeeee~~~!

Post Created Sep 25, 2011 9:03:40 PM

2011-09-25T21:02:00.001+08:00

Im going to go
Study lock-in camp soon. ><
no more facebook
No more twitter / blog.

Siannnn.
Please try to understand.
I dun want to retain please.
:):) byeee i know its a short post,

But i need to go back study liao.
I love that person.
And will always love.
Hahahas. :):) <3 you guys~~

Post Created Sep 24, 2011 7:50:05 PM

2011-09-24T19:48:00.001+08:00

Today tuition is so funneyyy.
I finally memorized a memory verse.xD
Its from 1 Peter 12: 24-25

'The flesh is like the grass,
All its glory like the flowers of its grass,
Grass withered, flowers fall off, but
The Word of God endures forever.'

How true is that!! :)
Hehhe
Im proud of myself, able to finally
Memorize a memory verse. :>

Happy today~~!
Though may get scolded, at least
I can see her every week
Is enough for me. :)

I want to continue this.
I dunno how can i survive one week
Without seeing that person.
I love that person so much. <3

Post Created Sep 23, 2011 8:34:40 PM

2011-09-23T20:33:00.001+08:00

POA test keep postponing.
This time
Is because of the difficulty of the test too high.
Joke.

He set himself one ley,
Set so high, in the end have to reset,
Kill 120 papers worth of trees liao,
Now still waste even more.

==
dont set lah.
Just continue postponing .
Until EOY,
dunnid take liao.

Haahaha.
K fine.
:)
Im trying to get up from my depression state.

Until now,
School counselors still havent come find
Me for my depressing posts.
Good. Cos i dun like them.

Paid to listen nia.
I dunnid fakers to listen.
I say they also cannot use better words to
Console me. Made it even worse. Joke.

I hate my family.
I hate it i hate it.
I dont want to come home to a family
That doesnt need me.

That they rather be with some better
Daughter than me.
Jingli finally confessed.
She like huini more than ME.

Im only two years diff from her,
Yet she prefer huini
And dun like me.
My heart hurts.

They finally show their true thoughts.
Better not knowing than to know and cry.
I got to taste how it really feels like.
God, my hearts is in pieces now.

I just want to end my life.
A life that nobody would appreciate.
My depression is coming back.
It hasnt even healed completely.

My family keep reopening my wounds.
Didnt know what would happen to me
If they were to reopen.
I might just go buy a penknife now

And cut the vein.
I dun really care.
I just want to make things easier for me.
Because this is overloading me.

I cant handle it.
Neither can i stand it any longer.
I need that person now .
I really need that person to come and comfort me.

Im dying slowly inside.
A part of me is slowly diminishing.
I cant feel it.
Its so numb.

Let me die.
I want to die.
I dont want to stay in a world
Where nobody needs me.

I need my own little world
To come back.
I am going back to my little own big
World. A world where only me and God exists. It would be perfect.

I love that person. <3

Post Created Sep 22, 2011 8:04:40 PM

2011-09-22T20:03:00.001+08:00

Today school is not very
Fun. Or interesting.
Lolol.
Normal but busy lessons. :X

Physics test and
F&N test together.
Freak. ):
Now im all stressed out.

Because tmrw its friday.
And theres POA test.
And i still have incomplete tuition hmwk.

Stress stress.
Nothing is completed at all!
Disappointed. :/
Haish haish!

You know how i went through
Today?
It was by thinking of you.
Remembering our memories.

That i am able to go on.
I love you.
:) im super weak at Indices.
>< shucks.

Now i going do lerhh.
Byebye.
I love you ever so much!
^~^

Post Created Sep 21, 2011 7:33:53 PM

2011-09-21T19:32:00.001+08:00

For all the time
That i have Tried for your smile
When nobody was there to take a stand. Love had made me blind

Sorry that i came to.
Sorry doesnt turn back time
I wish i could make it right
Sorry that i needed you.

For being the one who
Made you smile
To cry the next second.
And im so sorry

That i failed you.
Sorry i was falling in love
With you.
Sorry that i loved you.

And im doubting ,
Tearing.
Sorry tht i hurt you
Sorry i wasnt able

To live up to your
Expectations.
I wish i could see you again.
I wish i could hug you.

Today in school,
I only paid attention to certain subjects. Lol.
At the last 10 min of Physics,

I fell asleep.
Like seriously,
Its my first time.
Ahahahas.

Luckily alex and jiahong
Woke me up.
Else i dunno what to do liao.
Hahahahs.

I wonder what happens after i slept. O.O
Curious.
Alex say nothing leyyy. :O

Hahas.
I dont mind not knowing
Though.
Then when i just woke up,
Im all blur blur liddat.

Hhaahahs.
Kkk.
Gotta go study liao.
Byeee! ^~^

Post Created Sep 20, 2011 8:08:09 PM

2011-09-20T20:07:00.001+08:00

Blablabla.
Nobody really cares anyway.
Stop lah.
Eh you, why ignore me??

):):
I was looking at you
I was screaming your name
But you didnt hear me

I was desperately trying
To capture your attention.
Its useless.
I clearly know that.

I dont want to see you again
I wont look at you.
Nor think about you.
Dont even feel like staring

At you anymore.
I still like Shining
Inheritance. :D so niceee!!!
:>

Lolol.
Today seriously,
Nothing is going thru my head.
Except during math lesson.

Heheheh. :D
I love you.
<3

Post Created Sep 19, 2011 8:01:06 PM

2011-09-19T20:00:00.001+08:00

Todayyy is boring.
Nothing to do at home.
Except work work and more work.
Nothing else to do liao.

Siannnnnnz.
Gotta go do my tuition work
After watching shining inheritance.
Heehee.

I have only one wish.
Someday you will understand.
Thats what i feel.
I love ya~~~ :D

This week theres a lot
Of tests. Freak.
I scared i cant handle this
Physics, Chemistry, POA, FNN.

Haiiiish! ):):
Gotta do workk liaooo.
LalalalalLala.
Byeeeee

Love you. <3

Post Created Sep 18, 2011 10:24:57 PM

2011-09-18T22:24:00.001+08:00

Today is siann.
Really siannn.
To the point of wanting someone
To text me.

Especially that person.
When will that person
Text me..):):
I dont want to be the person

Who always starts the conversation
First. I dont want. Won't you start talking to me instead of me staring at the phone like an

Idiot? Why cant you just see that i love you so much, yet cant tell you about it? That i love God a lot , and you are a very

Special person to me? You know everyday i talked to God about it, lamenting and to the extent of wanting to cry?

I didnt even want to be in the place where you will be at everytime without me, because i know that place is full of your

Friends, people you love mixing around you but not me, that i keep wishing everytime i am with you nobody will disturb?

This is how i really feel.
Seriously.
I need you to read all this.
Because its okay, if you dont know

My feelings for you,
But at least,
Read my blog.
Its all about you.

Advertising my blog,
My tumblr on facebook
for only one
Purpose.

I know you follow my posts
On facebook , thats exactly why
I want you to see it.
The indescribable feelings i had

I couldnt describe it in speech,
I could only write it here.
Vent my heart pains here.
Cry out my painful frustrations

Here. Because you wont know
Who im talking about.
And i wont say it either.
Highly confidential.

Well,
You know for one thing.
I enjoyed the times we had together. Eating, playing and taking photos together

They are all my best and memorable memories that i will never forget.

Some might be bitter,
But mostly its sweet.
The only sad thing is,
I couldnt love you as much as i

Can. Because you have your friends too. You cant just focus on me. You still have them.

Thats what made me even more jealous. Because they can cheer you up at the exact moment. But i couldnt, because im nt as close

As they are to you.
We live on different phases,
You have your friends,
I have mine too.

Its just that i prefer being
In your world, so peaceful and fun, not like mine. All bullyings and insults by that guy. ):

I dont want to live in a place
Where i would only be persecuted, bullied. I want to be in a place where i could be loved

, accepted and forgiven.
Lord, is there such a place?
Where i can be at peace and give up all those burdens???

Please help me.
I feel so empty.

2011-09-17T16:57:00.000+08:00

OHMYGAWD.
im going to watch smurfs! yay! :D
gogogo bath. :3
bye bye.
lol such a short post.

i slept for 5 hours only.
:X
haven do chinese hmwk.
:D

lollol.
i wish the days can go slower.
SLOWER.
:(

siannn.
kkk.
im wearing my new spectacles.
epic. exciting. :D ehehehe

today's tuition is fun.
i learn a lot of stuff.
and understood some.
a question that we skipped is still bugging me now. ):

hahahas.
its okay.

i love you.
k i gotta go.
byeee . smurfs, here i come! ^-^
love love love xD

2011-09-16T18:49:00.000+08:00

I feel all feverish. :O
and my Sim finally turned into a vampire. xD
naise. :D
i love vampires. :3 it was hard finding one! :3

if only you know what im thinking now,
how im feeling today,
why am i feeling so shaggg. :/

i wish you would knew.
i wish i can stay by your side forever.
but it seems impossible.
because you have other commitments too.

:/
i love you. <3 ^^sorry for such a short post.
i nothing much to say.
kekeke.
today veryyy boring . ><

2011-09-15T21:36:00.001+08:00

I'm busy,
so busy.
><
math test finally over.

phew.
fingers crossed! :)
well, it was average easy. :>

i'm busy busy busy.
tuition homework havent started. die. ):
chinese homework havent do. freak. ):
now im all dead and shagg.

siannn.
kkkk
i need to go do my tuition homework .
sorry for such a short post,

because today is relatively boring.
so nothing much to say.
except that i had bought Sims 3 Late Night. xD
cool! :) my Sims get to become Vampires. xD Edward cullen, here i come! :3

kkk
byeee
i love you <3

^^

2011-09-14T18:41:00.000+08:00

I got drenched from head to toe today.
im already feeling feverish,
now the rain had made it worse.
i'm aching all over.
==

sighhh.
today my Gastric Pain acted up this morning.
dk why i put it in capitals. lol. haha.
:D

gonna look forward to my tests all over.
thank god i survived.
hahahahaa/
:P

super tired now like what siol.
:/ *im not crying , im not crying!*
but when that person whom i love so much ask me this "are you alright ?"
my tears just flowed out and i couldnt control. ><

ouhhhhhh.
math math math and more math
:X
i am so nervous. D:

There was a little boy whose first love
was a young girl in a picture which
he found and picked from the street ..

As time went by he got married,
But still kept it.
One day,his wife found it and asked,

”Where did you get this?”
The man said,
“I kept that since I was a child,
But why are U asking?”

The girl replied,
“I lost this picture when I was 7…” :)

kkk i gotta go.
math test tomorrow. :X

Post Created Sep 13, 2011 6:52:14 PM

2011-09-13T18:51:00.001+08:00

Why is everything not to my
Plans?
Why so tireddd??!

Im so sick and tired
With my life, Lord.
Please take this away from me.
Because im really hating this.

Lord, tell me what should i do
Because nothing i do
Seems to work
The way i want.

Take control of my life Lord
I dont want to be frustrated
And weary of it anymore.
Because it sickens me to the core.

Yesterday is worse enough.
Do i have to suffer the same thing
Today?
I have speech defect,

I cant express myself clearly
Infront of someone
Who's so impatient with me,
Who is armed with a weapon,

To see if i speak wrong things,
Who is always so narrow minded,
And on the defensive.

Tell me Lord,
How is a speech defect person
Able to speak logic to this kind
Of person?

Even worse,
She's my freaking mother.
She should understand me more
Than anyone else.

But why is it that someone else
Understands me more than you mother?
You disappoint me.

You never listen.
Or even try to.
No.
Never.

The more you limit,
The more i go towards
Self destructing.

Im harming myself
Using my own method
But on the same time,
Trying desperately to hold on to God

Its hard.
Its torturous.
Its too humongous heavy.
I cant handle it.

Lord, you always tell me this
'I love you. I will give you rest.'
Always touching me and making me tear

Because of your love for me.
Its so profound and great
That i have no other words for it.
No other words

Can describe your love for us
christians.
You loved us so much
To send your one and only Son

To die on the cross
To pay for the price of our sins Lord.
Even that guy in Canada,
Whom you had shown yourself

To that Muslim and healed him,
Even Muslims that you would love,
What can we say about your everlasting love??

Im really touched by that real life story
About how you, Christ, had shown yourself to that muslim, who was already dying.

Lord,
Take those burdens away from me
Please please. ):):

I love you <3

2011-09-12T18:44:00.001+08:00

This is so stressful,
i only need time.
i need you to trust in me.

please,
can you listen to me?
can you stop doubting me?

causing me pain,
you think im enjoying it.
hell no.
i dont like this.
i dont like whatever you're doing.

today school's very boring.
i just wished for rest.
because i am really tired.
and i hoped that person would know

when i need that person,
that person wasnt there.
where are you when i most needed
you?

<3

2011-09-11T19:01:00.000+08:00

I’d rather look back at my life
and say,
“I can’t believe I did that!”
instead of saying, “I wish I would of..”

You dont have to be someone
they want you to be,
you know...

:)
i want a consistent bible study.
:D
i am going to work towards that ^^

because if i dont,
i think i will die of the pain
that i suffer everyday.
that its so excruciating to the point i want God to take it away.

hahas.
:)
cheer up emilyyyy. :D :D
life's not overrr yettt. ^-^

Never be sad for what is over,
just be glad that it was once yours
..and there will be always
something better.

When you think you’re not
happy with your life,
always think that someone is
happy simply because you exist.

“Don’t waste your time
looking back on what you’ve lost.
Move on, for life is
not meant to be traveled backwards.”

“Everyone comes into your life
for a reason; some good, some bad.
They shape, form and break us.
But in the end they make us who we are.”

“Dear whoever is reading this,
you’re beautiful and someone
out there is crazy about you. So smile.
Life is too short to be unhappy.”

“Sometimes its good to just let go.
Forget what other
people think.
This is your life after all.”

“It’s easy to forget things
you want to remember.
It’s hard to forget things
you don’t want to remember.”

Post Created Sep 10, 2011 8:34:23 PM

2011-09-10T20:33:00.001+08:00

I dont understand this
I dont know how to do this
Question.
I dont know i dont know.

Die die die. ):
Test coming,
Im behind one chapter.

Whic my teacher never or havent
Even taught us.
I want to cry so badly
Because i dont want to fail it

I dont want to fall short of
Their expectations.
I want to make them proud
So even if it means stressing myself

To the point of breaking down,
I dont mind doing it.
Because i want to let them see
That i can do it too.

I am not gonna let them
Have a tiny bit of chance of
Laughing at me
Or insulting.

I want to make even that person
Proud of my hard work.
So even if i get stressful,
Even if it might be too much

For me,
I dont mind.
It doesnt matter.
More practice is good.

So i will still continue.
I wont rest until
Its over and to see that my
Hard work has paid off.

For you, i will go to this
Extent. Everything i done
Is all for you. Cant you see that?
I love you so much

That i dont mind all this
Stress, pain and tears shed.
I will contunue going on.
I love you. :)

2011-09-09T18:04:00.002+08:00

Its hard to stay positive
when nothing ever goes right.
dont it sounds depressing?
because its so hard for me. x.x

There are moments in life
when you miss someone
so much that you just want to
pick them from your dreams and hug them for real .

I hope you're happy.
see this smile?
its hiding the tears ):

when will you ever notice.
:D
Its not that i want to be just the only girl
and friend in your life,

i just want to be the only one that is important
just as you are to me,
and who mattered.

i really shouldnt give two hoots
of the bullshit you gave me.
i shouldnt cared.
i shouldnt have fell for you.

i need a break.
we need to stop this now.
because its not working .
and its getting overwhelming for me.

><
Never lose yourself in
attempt to hold onto
someone who doesn’t
care about losing you.

2011-09-08T18:31:00.000+08:00

We can pretend that
things don’t bother us,
but we all know that
even the smallest thing can make us fall apart.

Today was boring.
woke up at 11am,
now im like zoned out.
been doing homework for the past few hours.

tired now. ^^
kkk
its another short post.
byeee :D :D

LOLOL.
:>
dunno what to post.
xD byeee ! :D :D

i love that person so much.
:D:D
i want to let that person know,
but i am too afraid to tell that person.

:>

2011-09-07T21:19:00.001+08:00

I had fun @ Ngee AnnToday. :DI got a medal !Lol. ==Ngee Ann is soooo big!Hehehe.Im not gonna disclose Anything hereee.I almost got lostToday at Ngee Ann. Lolol.I went into SIM University!Zzz.I forgot Ngee AnnWas just besideSIM university. Hahah.:DWell,Its fun to get lostAnyway. Hahahahahaha.The laboratory labs are soCool! Just like a hospital!And the foodcourt is even nicer..I love the lecture halls.^^ Nice place.(Y)I would want to explore finishThe entire place.Hehehehekkk.Gotta go do tuition hmwkByeeeee!! :D

2011-09-06T17:27:00.002+08:00

I finally tagged finish
the photos which we took yesterday.
boy,
its so manyyy! :D

hahaha
LOL.
kkk.
im like burned out.
tomorrow still got competition.

arghhh.
am i in the right attitude?
i wasnt even sure myself.
i needa rush.

i still have work to do.
but i havent even started doing.
argh
time too short for me.

could there be like,
25 hours a day?
instead of just 24???

siann.
i am alone inside.
):
see my edmodo's profile pic?

yeah, that's how i feel now.
):):
wanting to cry but cannot,
do you know how painful it felt to me?

sian.
you do not .
kk.
i needa go do tuition work.(:

byeee.
i love you,
i wonder if you read this,
how would you feel. :/

i love you so much,
but cant even have the courage to tell you,
its like telling to a deaf man,
and he doesnt hear it.

Post Created Sep 5, 2011 9:14:02 PM

2011-09-05T21:12:00.001+08:00

I just had fun with
Agnus and alex
At VIVOcity
For 5 long long hours.

Hahahh.
Naise.
Uploading the crazy photos
Tomorrow!!!~~ do look forward to it!

Hehhe
Tireddd ttm now..
Whole body aching
Eyes bulging like goldfish.

I need that person now
Talk to me.):
Hug me
Tell me its alright.

Because now im self denial.
Hoping to cheer up.
But nothing is working.
And she really needs you

To take the first step
In smsing her.
Staring at her handphone the whole day
Like an idiot,

Hoping even if its impossible,
For the handphone to light up
And signal her a new msg
Has come.

Because even her,
Will get tiredd.
Sick
And spiteful of everything.

She loves that person too much.

2011-09-04T19:15:00.000+08:00

I wish i could just
say i dont care
to stop all these heartbreaks.
i wish i could ignore you

so that i can forget.
i wish that i dont care about all these
crap
to save me from all these hurts.

i need to know that
i cannot let myself be affected by all these
unnecessary unhappiness.

gotta cheer up! >:D
lol.
this is really meaningless.
):

siannnz.
:/
haiiiiiish.
my holidays is all filled up again

so busyyy
:X
im still waiting for your replyyy, :D
haiiish.

gotta go do my work.
bbbbb! ^^
hehehehe :D
byeeeeeeeeeeee

2011-09-03T18:09:00.004+08:00

Let this post be a reallly short one,
cos i am not feeling well.
gotta go sleep again.
:D

today nothing to do.
except lie on bed whole day.
:D
hahahahahs.

bored out.
drinking medicine and
coughing out again,

irritating.

diarrhoea the whole day
then stomachache.
hahahas.
sian.

kkk.
gotta go,
i said it already,
its a really really short post.
xD

byeee. <3 you .

Post Created Sep 2, 2011 9:31:27 PM

2011-09-02T21:30:00.001+08:00

I dont want to
Say it,
For the sake of
Having you

I dont want to let you know
For fear
Of losing you
Now.

I will cherish the time
We spent together.
I will remember all the memories
We made together.

I'll keep it deep inside
My heart,
So that i wont
Forget the time

We were once together.
I love you.
:)
But i cant tell you

Its like
Forbidden love,
Where i can only love you
Deep inside my heart.

My throat hurts.
Like seriously.
It pains me so much
I have hard time swallowing

I want the pain to stop
Now. Soon. Immediately
I dont like this.
But i know i hve to

Tolerate
Else i might cry.
I cant cry now.
Cos it would seem like

Im so vulnerable,
And ppl will start bullying
Me again.
I cant let it happen agn.

I have to become strong.
Grit tight my emotions
And bottled it in,
Forget the pain

For it will bring even more
Pain and tears.
To remain strong on the
Outside, so ppl will not

Bully me anymore.
I dont want those painful
Memories to come haunting me
Again.

I want to forget them.
But the ppl bullying me
Are just making things
Even worse for me.

I hate this so much.

2011-09-01T17:55:00.001+08:00

I never go to school Today. :D :D
too tired liao
i woke up at 11am.
:>

i think by then
they dismissed the students liao.
oh well.
might as well spend the time at home sleep.

:D
hehehehe.
kkk
now i am like zoned out,
cos i am sleepy again.

pig ah me.
lol.

your heart just breaks,
that's all,
you cant judge or point fingers,
you just have to be lucky enough

to find someone
who really appreciates you.
(:
<3

Never lose yourself in attempt
to hold onto someone
who doesn’t care
about losing you.

You fall in love
with the
most unexpected person
at the most unexpected time.

Hoping to be noticed,
to be understood,
to be accepted.
Most of all, to be loved.

<3

Post Created Aug 31, 2011 7:55:21 PM

2011-08-31T19:54:00.001+08:00

Hehehehehehe
Lololol.
Deep down,
I knew i should be happy.

I want to.
I tend to feel sadness
Because i havent yet
Recovered from my depression.

I got depression at the age of 12
Constantly wanting to die
Feeling unaccepted
Feeling misunderstood.

But im a little happier now! :)
Because of that person
Who changed my life so much
I am thankful.

Happy happy !!
:B
But i get extreme mood
Swings too. X.X
Siannnnz! :B

I am very very happy
For a moment,
Then very very emo
The next moment.

So those ppl who arent my close
Friends, get sick and tired
Of my extreme mood swings

That was caused as a result by my
Depression.

They all left me
One by one.
Im used to it.
Who says you can only
Have friends at school?

I have a whole lot dozens at
Church, i dont need to suck up
To those people in school, who
Will only judge me and like me

Based on popularity
And latest trend.
Enough is enough.
I dont need popularity.

I need true friends
Who are who they are inside,
Who will accept me as i am,
And believes me.

If not,
They do not deserve to be called friends. Because its just superficial friendship.

I love you ever so much!
^^ <3

Post Created Aug 30, 2011 8:14:35 PM

2011-08-30T20:13:00.001+08:00

Ouch
My ears hurt so much
I got ear infection
== siannn.

Haizzz
The tree i draw
Got praised by mummy!!!
:D yayyyy! ^^

Im sooooo happy.
:D hehh
Good lehhhh.
My cooking and drawing

Got praised.
Heheheeh
Now for studies lerhhh!
Aim! ^-^

Harpieee!!
Hehh
Owowoooowow
Sorry just now my mother

Went and wiped my
Ear's blood. ==
painful lahhh.
I went to the doctor this morning

Eh funny siol,
I am the regular patient
There liao.
Hahahaha

Lolz
Firstly was my fever
Then diarrhoea
Now its my ear.

Haizzzz.
:/
I hope it gets well soon. x.x
Byeeee i love you

Very very much. :>

2011-08-29T17:20:00.002+08:00

It’s good being strong,
but it sucks when people know
you’re strong and
they think that makes it okay to hurt you

I was happy
when you had to go
and break my heart.
i hate this.

why of all people
does it have to be you,
to be the very one who will
break my heart, mend it again to break it again later?

what is your problem?
i dont understand.
i gave my all.
and im tired.

i am not gonna be that girl
who waits for you foolishly anymore.
because its not worth it,
and its tiring.

My ears hurt so much.
):
i wanna cryyy.
so painful.

im tireddd tireddd,
but whats the use of complaining?
since its never gonna have something changed.
its useless.

and i still love that person
so much.
<3 that person like siao.
and i cant even tell that person,

which pains me even more.

im sleeping the whole day today.
woke up at 11 am .
cos i slept at 1am .
:D

goodbyeee.
i hope i wont ever have to say
goodbye to you,
because it hurts so much.

2011-08-28T18:03:00.009+08:00

I am barred from my handphone today.

all because of the plans im forced to go.

siannn

i am so busy.

why cant they understand?

i have to go here,

go there,

plan this,

plan that,

even now,

i am deciding to drop POA

to take up Biology

because of my future goals.

i am stressed out.

and somemore even more infuriating

the person who dont even understand the most

is my mother

who cant understand that

she cant limit my time usage of the computer because

i desperately am busy

and need more time.

im so busy

and she cant even understand,

freak.

how can she do this lah.

she should just disappear.

not supportive at all.

im so busy, she's just adding a burden to me.

nothing else

i have to calm down now.

i know this is impossible

but i need time to think

i have a lot of plans,

i need time to think about my subject that

i am gonna drop,

so i didnt go to church today.

dont give up emily,

dont give up hope,

dont give up believing someday everything will be fine,

dont give up YET.

it may be hard,

it may be difficult,

but hang on there.

everything will be alright soon.

iloveyou so much.

if waiting now means i will be able to

have you someday,

i would rather wait. <3

Post Created Aug 27, 2011 8:35:11 PM

2011-08-27T20:34:00.001+08:00

I had fun today.
So epic.
Ytd i dressed up as Rima.
From VK Night Class. :D

Pwetty! :D
And no, its not spelling mistake,
Just a expresciooon.
Heheee

O gosh,
I really am serious
In dropping POA
And taking up Biology.

): i cant handle POA
Anymore.
At first i thought i could
Make it ,

But seriously,
Until now, today,
Its like CMI already.

Teacher covered half of the book,
Im only at 1/4 to 2/4 of
Understanding the book nia.
And i cant understand anything else

Im a failure for POA.
argggggh.
):):):
So shaggg now.

But at least
Im happy because i made you
Smile! :):)
Thats enough for me already.

^-^
love ya ever so much
Always love you
And will forever.

I love you
Forever and ever
Its this love
That made me stronger

and because of you,
I changed a lot.
I become better.
And got stronger little by little.

I hope you wont ever forget me
And i will always love you
Dont forget that. :)

2011-08-26T18:19:00.003+08:00

2011-08-25T21:38:00.002+08:00

If i talk to you now,

i'm scared i will fall in love

with you

all over again.

Can't believe today is

actually a day

where i am so happy.

I PASSED MY MATHS

like finally.

:D it took so longgg. :3 and now,

i got 19/25 for mathhhhh!

so happy

comeon,

of all my secondary years,

i have never pass my math at all.

miracle and God's work do happen.

we just have to believe in it.

hehehe

imma so happpyy worhh.

but then.

i realized its always like this.

like,

when it nears the mid of the month,

i will get really down and upset.

why ar?

why am i so depressed again?

what happen to the old me?

i want the old me backk so freaking much.

Do you seriously wanna

know how much i felt towards you?

how i want to hug you

and tell you i'll always be there for you?

when you cried,

do you know how my heart pains?

that i felt like bending down

to wipe away your tears but couldn't

because i'm afraid that you might

take it the wrong way.

and our relationship might end

that time comes.

i dont want.

i would rather keep it all to myself

than to tell you everything.

because i wanna cherish you

and let you know

you're the only one for me.

:):)

Post Created Aug 24, 2011 9:55:01 PM

2011-08-24T21:53:00.001+08:00

Worn out.
Tireddd.
Wanting to go on
But wearyy to continue

What am i to do?
How should i go now?
Will it be pleasing to God
Of the plans i have made?

Can i stop?
And rest?
My overwhelming feelings
For that person

Is too much for me to handle
Anymore.
I cant stand it .
Its so warm, lovely and cozy

When i have that feeling,
But also bitter
And cold
When i realized that person is not

The one for me.
That this is what we call
Forbidden unrequitted love.
Do you get my drift now?

I dont want to leave you
Neither do i want to say goodbye so fast.
I dont wanna leave you.

Because it will cause me
Utmost pain
And aching heartaches
If goodbyes meant forever.

No.
Dont.
Say.
That spiteful word out.

I dont wanna hear it.
I dont wanna stand the pain
That goes with it.
I loveyou so much.

The special day is coming
I know you will be so happy.
I am too. (:

<3 youuu so muchhh.
^-^
missed ya like hell.
Yearning to see you right now.

2011-08-23T22:38:00.002+08:00

You don't always have to get rid of the pain.

You just have to get used to it.

You made everything easier for my life

just by existing in it.

Her heart finally told her to stop wasting

her own time.

for things that dont deserve her precious time.

for things that is so insignificant.

Pretending you are happy,

when you're in pain is just

an example of how strong you are

As a person.

Still making that simple smile

when every part of you dies.

Sometimes, i wonder why i even

try to tolerate all this crap.

The best feeling in the world

is knowing that

you actually mean something

to somebody.

I know you don't like me.

but you don't have to go to that extend of

hating me right?

i dont like you guys doing this to me.

i am a lady.

what you guys are doing now,

is so ungentlemanly

and no etiquette.

where's your human feelings?

dont you have them?

dude, its not funny

when you think its humorous to bully someone.

its so unthinkable

you will resort to this.

when deep down

you know its wrong.

why are you doing then?

i cant understand why.

neither do i want to.

because it will pain me even more.

so shut your mouth up.

thinking i actually like it?

NO.

stop your imaginations from running wild.

because its ridiculous.

Post Created Aug 22, 2011 9:45:25 PM

2011-08-22T21:44:00.001+08:00

I dont know whats wrong
With your head
Why do those immature acts?
Its pissing me off so much.

Stop. Being. So. Chidish.
I hate you so much.
Dont act lah.
Freako. ==

I know its you
Behind everything.
Dont try to hide.
Because its useless.

Dont even think of
Doing those acts to me,
If you have considered me as
A human with feelings at all.

Shocking.
Ridiculous.
Disappointing.
Disgusting.

To pay back for the pain
You done to me,
I have to punish myself
Afflict physical pain to myself.

You dont know only.
I cant cut my wrist?
Then i pierce myself.
To feel the pain.

I dont feel any pain now
Im used to it.
I didnt even get scared
When she pierced my ears.

Just got used to it.
I dont flinched anymore.
No point what.
Whats the use?

Nobody's gonna hear me
Or believe me.
What can i do?
Lol. If you people really cared,
Then i wont have to go through all this.

I love that person so much.
My heart is breaking into pieces.
Yet i still cannt do anything
But glance at that person from

A far distance.
So far,
Yet so close.
I miss that person a lot. ><

2011-08-21T14:14:00.002+08:00

i don't like this.

i hate this.

why must i go through this.

why do i have to cause everyone to be upset?

i dont want to be a burden to everyone.

and i also do not want to see you cry.

it pains me so much.

and hurts me so much.

i only wished for you happiness.

and you to know how i felt towards you.

i am not ready to tell you yet.

and i am not ready to come yet.

my heart is dying.

it is slowly dying away.

and i know im not the priority to

you in your heart.

but i only want to see you smile

right now.

i love youu. <3

Post Created Aug 20, 2011 7:11:00 PM

2011-08-20T19:09:00.001+08:00

Im gonna die soon.
I cant feel any strength sia.
Im gonna see the doctor tomorrow liao.
Haiz! ):

So dejected.
And demoralized.
I got a fever now.
After taking the bath.

Sian.
==
Seriously,
Can this stop?

Maybe cos i overworked myself
Too much. Urgggh.
Sobs. Sobs.
School is stressing me too much.

The temperature's rising.
):):):
I want to go to church!
I want! I dont want to see the

Doctor!
Im afraid of the results.
I dont want to hear it
Not anymoreee.

Spare me the pain please.
I hate it.
I really hate this.
Stupid.

Why do i feel so empty.
Why do i dont feel like going anywhere.
Haishhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Im so sadd.
I want to sleepppp.

2011-08-19T17:19:00.002+08:00

I'm speechless.

I'm tired.

Don't know what to write anymore.

Now that im so sick and tired of living this kind of life anymore.

Please,

just stop it.

like seriously,

dont do this.

because you know how i feel

yet you're still doing it.

what's your problem?

dont come mess with me please.

I HATE YOU.

betray me not enough.

hurt me not enough.

now you bully me , happy already or not?

despise you like siao.

you dont get me.

i dont know why are you doing this.

i dislike this.

i want to transfer school.

liike really sia.

*sitting in one corner now to cry.

*refusing to realize its reality. not a nightmare.

2011-08-18T21:34:00.004+08:00

Like seriously.

i felt so difficult to breath today.

i felt so lousy with myself.

its so stressing.

all that hard work,

all that sweat.

haish.

sometimes i really feel like

just throwing everything down

and scream at the top of my lungs.

to scream until

i feel no pain anymore.

i feel no burden anymore.

i want to feel exactly that.

and give up everything to the Lord fast.

because now im hurting so badly,

i cant stand it

and i tend to cry even more

in the face of difficulties.

God,

stop me from crying again please.

it's no use at all.

crying doesnt solve the problem at all.

it just makes me feel a bit better,

but the problem is still there.

and my work all not

accomplished yet.

OmO. ):

Lord,

please give me rest.

Just let me sleep.

please.

i dont want to wake up again

to have to go to school,

face the guys,

suffer the nervousness and anxiety i feel inside me.

i cant stand this.

haish.

I HATE MY SCHOOL.

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT.

WHY CANT IT MAKE MY LIFE EASIER.

WHY MUST IT GO CRAZY.

WHY CANT THEY JUST LET ME LIVE PEACEFULLY.

TT TT

sobs sobs sobs. ):

Post Created Aug 17, 2011 10:52:26 PM

2011-08-17T22:51:00.001+08:00

Suffocating.
When will i have no need
To go through this
Anymore?

Am i that scary...?
Am i like someone who
Have to be avoided at all cost?
And if i go near you

You guys will treat me like
Im some kind of virus.
Am i that scary?
Cant you guys just treat me like

Normal?
I didnt do anything
To offend you lehh
Im just the same as you guys

Crazy over the same
Things as you guys are.
Addicted to the same game
You guys play.

I tried so hard to talk
And understand you
But you guys just shut me
Up and dont give me a chance.

Whats wrong with me
That you guys dont like?
im going crazy
I cant stand this anymore.

Whats wrong with you guys.
Cant you see i am normal
Like you guys?
Its only that i cant run

As fast as you guys,
I fall down easily than you guys
I get painful stomachaches
And suffer extreme pain

And risk a relapse everytime
The pain comes.
All i want is to be
Treated like a normal girl.

Is that asking too much?
You guys didnt feel the pain
I felt physically when i go
Through THAT.

You do not know how much
I Felt like crying.
How much i felt like killing
Myself at that time,

Because deep down i know
That regardless of how painful
It gets, it will never be
Able to compare

With the pain i felt
Emotionally
And
Mentally.

What you guys are currently
Doing to me both mentally
And emotionally.
I didnt say it out.

They say those who are
Hurting spoke it with
Tearful eyes,

But the ones that hurt
More are the ones
Who keep silent.
So tell me,

Why cant you guys
See through?
Im breaking down soon.
My mentality can no longer

Be able to hold on
Sane anymore.
I do not know long i can
Still hang on

Until i really snap.
I hate my class.
I hate going to school.
I hate my POA teacher.

Stop making my life difficult.
Please try putting yourselves
In my shoes for once.
You will then understand

How i truly see the world
Like.
I cant stand this anymore.
I want to die.

I want to kill myself
And not go to school anymore.
I hate this school.
I hate seeing it even if its just a

Glance.
I hate it i hate it.
Stop making my life a
Living hell.

Because i really gonna
Lose it.
Before i graduate, i think
I will lose myself first. ==

2011-08-16T17:51:00.002+08:00

God, why must i go through all this crap.

i wish life could be easier on me.

till today,

i still do not understand why did you put me

in this kind of school.

where i met all my weaknesses,

and get depressed by it.

): why do they have to do this to me?

i done nothing to them,

why are they specifically picking on me?

when i already tried my best

to be invisible?

stop your crap please.

i done nothing to deserve this.

neither are you worth doing this kind of

immature stuff.

oops,

i forgot,

now you at my age,

your mentality is still 2 years younger than me.

puh lease,

dont like me saying all this crap?

then prove to me

you're not like the others

prove to me

you're different,

you're mature enough to tell me

that i have no special intimate interest towards you,

because thats downright immature , childish,

when you guys treat me as if i m a virus.

a contagious person.

someone who have to be avoided.

im a human.

i have feelings.

do you know how it feels to be bullied

for like.. since pri 1 to sec 3?!

that's like,

9 years already, including this year.

next year? 10 years.

omg. i can make history.

LOLOL.

any sane person could have gone crazy.

any crazy person would have jumped down from a high building.

but i havent.

because i have been praying very hard

to God that one day,

you guys will be mature enough to open your eyes

to see the truth.

now you guys are like

blind ppl,

who only believes what they hear and see.

use your heart to understand others can?

i have speech defect,

i cant explain myself better,

at least i dont do those kind of nonsense to you guys,

humiliating and demeaning you guys.

I DONT.

i still respect you as human beings.

i just wanted to be friends.

is that asking too much?

is being friends = interested in a relationship with you?

HELL NO.

i am not freaking interested in any guys in this class.

or this school.

SO SHUT YOUR MOUTHS

THAT WOULD ONLY SPOUT NONSENSE

AND RIDICULOUS RUMORS.

shut up.

you're not even worth my time.

i hate you.

i hate this class.

I HATE MY SCHOOL SO MUCH.

Post Created Aug 15, 2011 6:53:25 PM

2011-08-15T18:52:00.001+08:00

Lalalalala. ==
Dilemma dilemma.
Decisions decisions.
Hahaha :D

Lololol
I will study harddd. :)
I needdd toooooo smmmmiillee.
:D eheheheh.

I really feel like giving uppp.
Tch .
Whats the point nowww. :O
Freak you laaaa.

==
stupid you stupid you.
I HATE YOU MOTHER.
freak you! ==

I GIVE UP TALKING TO YOU.
I GIVE UP UNDERSTANDING YOU.
I GIVE UP COMMUNICATING TO YOU.
FREAK FREAK FRRRREEAKKK YOU.

DONT COME NEARRR ME.
stop ur meaningless naggings
I ask you
You give me senseless talk,

That i could tell myself already.
Stupid u.
Im so frustrated bcos of you.
Just disappear larhhh.

Go disappear! == I DONT WANT
TO SEE YOU.
just mind your own business
Woman.

I SHOULD BE GLAD
YOU DO NOT KNOW
MY BLOG ADDRESS
BECAUSE I HATEYOU.

How many years have I
Tried talking?
Tried communicating?
Tried understanding?

You always think you're right
You always think parents are
Correct in every argument.

In Devotional book, it says : could your
children be correct for once?
Listen to my point cannn? ==

No patience.
Deaf.
Irritable.
Neurotic.

No wonder its useless talking
To this blockwood.
Im really getting
Hurt because of your

Insensitive comments
And no brain words.

2011-08-14T17:55:00.002+08:00

I feel sick.

Violently sick.

I really cant take it anymore.

Nauseous.

Headache,

Gastric,

Diarrhoea,

stomachache.

boy,

what's wrong with me?

why is it me all the time?

my diarrhoea like so longg.

nothing seems to be able to help it.

now i just feel like lying on the bed.

sorry.

i feel like vomiting something,

but there's nothing!

worse part.

zzz.

my head is hurting me.

arghh.

i think im gonna

fainttttttttttt ss-soo n.

omg.

my typing.

my fingers just slipped.

zzz.

kkk.

bye.

i think i cant survive not seeing you for a week.

it feels as though i wanna kill myself,

because i didnt see you.

and its suffocating.

i cant stand this pain.

a week without you

is torturous.

horrendous.

terrifying.

because i love you so much

that i dont wanna forget you now.

bye, really cannot stand it liao.

anything to ask me

just sms me.

dont call me.

2011-08-13T15:24:00.003+08:00

I tend to worry too much.

i worry too much for my own sake.

that it always turn out

worst or better.

what's the whole point of this?

useless.

i really need to cheer up.

and buck up on life now.

because if i will break down

just at the sight of losing you,

then i won't be strong enough to carry on

with my life.

Stop.

Fight back the tears.

Stand up and walk.

Fake a smile.

Its cominggg!

5pm gonna meet Pacy! :D

then the fun begins ! ^^

hehehehe. :D

hahaha

lol

haiz.

hmmmm.

i hope i can be more happy.

my resolution for this month.

i hope.

i cant see that person

for so long.

im actually hurting now.

and reluctant to go to facebook tomorrow.

because i do not want to see those

that i am not in it.

i am really reluctant.

i dont know what is this im feeling.

Jealous?

Hurting?

Selfish?

i dont knowwww. >,<

cheer up emily.

cheerrrrrrrr upppppppp.

am i escaping from reality?

this really have to stop.

seriously.

else im going crazy

with my emotions and feelings..

whatever.

going to bath now.

its going to be 5 veryyy soooon! ^^

yayyyy :/

take a lot of photos later.

and escape fb tml.

for fear of heartbreak and

heartaches.

2011-08-12T22:27:00.002+08:00

In the past,

you kept saying how you hate to see me cry,

that you will wipe away any tears that you see

rolling down my cheeks.

so all those times where i cry,

i got hurt,

were your eyes closed?

i need your assurance.

i need to know

that at least i hold a place

in your heart.

it suffocates me

whenever i see you.

aches when i see you crying

and i couldnt even do anything

i do love you.

and its like,

a lot a lot.

to the point that i would do anything just to see you.

im so busy.

i just want some sleep.

is it so hard?

my september holidays....

goodbyeee..

got filled up by ngee ann poly.

siannnnz ttm.

today

i fall asleep unknowningly.

i just lie on the bed,

thinking about some stuff,

then when i open my eyes,

it was 5 already.

i actually got a shock.

lolz.

i was thinking on some stuff at 2 + pm.

zzz.

i didnt intend to sleep.

and i was opening my eyes still.

then the next moment i know,

it was 5pm.

tch.

my body took over at the

very last minute.

tsk tsk.

i still have so much things to do,

and my body just have to break down at the last min.

so not in sync with my schedule.

in the end, my schedule got disrupted.

cheeeez.

luckily i did all my homework,

else i will be punished today.

haishhhhh.

kkk.

gotta go revise my plans.

tomorrow will be so much fun!

^^ will upload the photos on Sunday! :D

hehehe

catch you up laterrr!

<3 you guys.

And to you , who holds an important place in my heart.

Post Created Aug 11, 2011 8:24:33 PM

2011-08-11T20:23:00.001+08:00

Im disappointed in myself.
I hereby consider myself
A failure to my class.
Why cant i just accomplish something?

I even tried my best.
Hey, i didnt slack off k.
I do it everyday.
They said it might be due to stress.

Well probably.
But im a disappointment.
Seriously not motivated already.
I wanna give up.

Hello?
6 FRIGGING YEARS already.
Who wont go crazy?
I dont want to try liao.

Its futile what.
I was looking so excited,
So promising.
I should not have held high hopes.

Yeah whatever.
O levels,
Go and die.
I dont wannt to care a frigging

Thing anymore.
Im hurt k.
Confused,
Tired and sick of trying.

I tried for 6 YEARS.
its not 1 YEAR.
itz 6 FRIGGING LONG YEARS
and nothing happens.

Great.
Really great.
I dont know what to do with
Myself anymore.

Heck it all.
Freak you.
I got tears running down

My cheeks again today.
I dont really feel like talking
Just leave me alone
And grovel.

==
and i burn my fingers today.
Was so painful,
I actually screamed.

Hahah ..lol.
):):):):
Sadded ttm.
><

Demotivated.
Stressed out.
Disappointed.
Sick and tired of studying,

When it doesnt seem to even improve.

2011-08-10T16:59:00.004+08:00

maybe i should stop looking at the photos

where it will only hurt me even more.

i should start hanging out with people

who deserves me more.

i should stop being so selfish

because if i dont,

it will only hurt me even more,

and i will keep finding it hard to breathe.

i will always cry deep inside,

when i find out

im not the one for that person,

i am not important to that person at all.

because no matter how much love i

give to that person,

he/she won't realize it.

he/she will only just know

im not the one for him/her.

i want that person

to hug me,

to be closer to me,

tell me im important !

because my mentality is slowly

falling apart,

and i have been dying

inside secretly.

tell me.

hug me.

please let me know,

that everything is alright.

because im breaking down.

i have been sick for the last 3 days

and you have not texted or even asked.

but i do not expect that of you

because i dont want to be seen

as selfish,

as irritating,

annoying

or even worst,

disgusting to the point

of worth rejecting.

i dont want to come to that point.

that is why i am secretly liking you.

never telling you who i liked,

never crying in front of you

for fear you know its you,

and never breaking down in front of you.

Post Created Aug 9, 2011 3:18:07 PM

2011-08-09T15:17:00.001+08:00

Today my sister's friends
Come over my house to play.
Very funny sia.
Haha

We played mono deal
And also poker.
HHahahahah.
:D

Now watching tv
With them.
Done my hols homework.
Now i am going to

Eat my fav food.
Byeee.
Oh yeah,
I woke up at 12 today.

Haaaahh.
:D
Lol.
Byeee! ^^

Cya tmll. :)

2011-08-08T17:07:00.002+08:00

Today is a worst day.

This morning,

my operation scar acted up.

and i had an excruciating pain,

in my left side of the abdomen.

it's really painful kkk.

i didnt even have the strength to walk,

let alone to go to school.

my father had to drive me to school.

else i really dont know how i get to school.

then THE TEACHERS.

PISSED ME OFF.

if you really wanna know what happen,

do sms me or meet me up.

i seriously am pissed off and

i dont want to post it here.

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

TODAY IS THE WORSE DAY IN MY SEC 3 LIFE.

FFFFFFREEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAK.

arggggggghhhh.

fed up.

never mind.

shall go do devotions.

bye. ><

i cried today.

tch.

because of the teachers.

i cried, ):

and when i am having the pain

in my abdomen,

i was practically asking God to just kill me

and end my torturous pain im having.

fine.

bye.

i am hoping the pain will not come back.

fingers crossed! :D

2011-08-07T18:14:00.003+08:00

I am happy today.

or should i say trying to be happy?

i am so speechless,

and i don't know what to say

haha

i will remain happy.

today is busy.

haish.

mel like siao.

tomorrow is big day.

im so scared.

please please be good.

or else i will kill myself.

shucks.

haishhh.

i love you.

2011-08-06T22:01:00.002+08:00

I dont know this feeling i am now,

but i do know of one thing,

it's that,

my little broken heart is still loving you.

no matter what.

my love,

no matter what,

i will still love you.

today was fun.

i laugh so much with Gao Min.

hahahahah xD

ahahahas. i didnt know a tuition

can become so fun!

kkk.

see ya tml at church.

i gotta go .

very busy with admin stuff.

shucks.

someone please listen to meeee.

i scared i explode soon.

all work,

no play.

im dying inside.

Post Created Aug 5, 2011 8:35:30 PM

2011-08-05T20:34:00.001+08:00

Thursday 04/08/11

Wah siannn.
Really.
I dont know how to say
Anymore.

And i dont even
Want to repeat the same old
Things againn.

So i wanna try to be
More happy.
But i cant do this alone.

I dont know what to do
I dont know how should i do
So that it will never happen
Again.

Why do the teachers are
So impartial?
Why cant they be more...
Reasonable?!

Why cant they just trust me?
Why cant they stop doubting?
I really feel like slapping those
Teachers. They pissed me off so much.

What is this man.
What are they trying
To do?!
== i hate those teachers.

Arghh.
Tomorrow have chinese
And POA test.
Practically, all subjects start

Cramming my whole schedule.
Leaving me super breathless.
And zoned out.
Tireddd max. ><

Arghh this sucks.
Woots, i have just done
Day 18 of devotional booklet.
:)

Gonna do day 19 tomorrow
And do math tuition homework.
Yayyy! :D
I am improving on Trigonometry.

Im starting to like Trigo.
Hehehe
Weird huh? :>
TOA CAH SOH! ^^

Hehehe
Kkk signing off.
Today detention also sucks.
Byeee! :)

2011-08-05T17:13:00.002+08:00

Sigh.

What should i say.

I am happy... :D

Seriously,

yesterday the wifi disappeared.

i dont really care.

it's just that i cant update my blogg. ):

haishh.

:D
today POA test, i crapped through the

Theory Part.

i didn't revise what.

ahhaha

then chinese test was okay,

i was rushing through the entire paper. ><

hehhe. :D

So tiredddd. ><

i either today post thursday's post, which is

on my iTouch,

or tomorrow. (:

next monday's the biggg day. ><

learning journey huh...:/

i am scared of my math test's results.

am actually scared of looking at it.

haishhh.

kkk.

i needa go already. ><

tomorrow waking up at 7am to do math homework.

busehhh the whole week and next week! D:

yesterday we had a busy day.

i really dk what else to say.

except that i hope you think of me as much as i do.

because this is an unrequited love.

i love you.

i hope you won't know ever.

because i will know you will reject me

or feel disgusted

operation scar hurting again.

now it's stomachache, operation scar

and gastric pain acting up all together.

pain pain. ><

i feel drained.

but i will keep on doing.

done day 19 of devotions. :)

on to 20 tomorrow. ^^

bye bye!

Post Created Aug 3, 2011 10:08:53 PM

2011-08-03T22:07:00.001+08:00

Im so tiredd today.
I dont want to talk to
Anyone now.
I finally know.

I am an unwanted child.
My parents dont like me
At all. They dont want me anymore. They hates me.

I am unwanted.
I am no use anymore.
Im useless. Thank you
Parents for being so honest with me.

I cant even explain
To them.
I cant even tell them
How i feel.

Parents are always right.
Yea,
Parents are never wrong.
I am. I am freaking wrong.

I am ALWAYS wrong,
Get it?
So dont find me for help,
Cos whatever i do,

Is not right what.
So whats the point of
Finding me for help
When i am already wrong?

Freak.
Stupid.
Useless.
Hopeless.

Thats what YOU parents
Always scold me with,
What can i say anymore?
I am unwanted already.

You parents told me leh.
Im sick and tired of hearing
You guys telling us
Its out of anger,

Its not what you really mean.
Then can i slap you
And tell you i am doing this
Out of anger

And i dont really mean it?
Please lah,
Theres a limit to the
Overboard words.

I am human,
I have feelings,
I dont just live
And smile everyday.

Dont tell me you guys
Are only spouting
Those inhuman adjectives
Out of anger.

Im tired and sick of
Those excuses already.
It sounds insincere,
Fake when you said it

Everytime after an argument
For 15 years.
I dont feel like listening
To the excuses.

Because whatever i say,
You guys will say its
Excuses, nonsense, no point
Saying it.

Might as well go die.
Dont tell me you guys didnt
Say those words.
I dont want to face you guys.

Disappear from my life.
You guys are the very reason
Why i cant get on with life.
I DONT WANT TO SEE U.

Please go away.
I dont want to cry again.
I dont want to cut my wrist again.

I dont feel like going
On with life,
If its gonna continue this way.

Do you parents seriously
See how im living in school
Everyday?
How i feel like killing myself?

Or jumping down this
Building to end everything?
You know i seriously want to?
You guys dont know leh.

Yet you accuse me of not trying my best enough, hving high expectations and looking down at me when i didnt meet them?!

Today i really felt like
Fainting on the way home.
I am so tiredd out by the
Numerous tests i have today!

And you guys dont know!
you think im having it easy
At here.
You think life's a bed of roses

For me sec three now.
HELL NO.
they're training us to become
Sec 4 already.

Are we still relaxing?
NO.
Dont expect me to tell you
Everything

When you dont frigging care.
Shut your hell up.
You dont even know of my
Hectic schedule.

To you parents,
I am just an unwanted child.
Isnt that what you mother
Had said to me?

I dont believe it was said on impulse.
I dont take that excuse.
Pigs fly if i believe it.

2011-08-02T18:26:00.002+08:00

This really hurts a lot.

a lot.

i dont want to face it,

but i cant deny it.

i had fallen deep in love.

but the painful thing is,

i cant even tell it to that person,

for fear of reaction.

i dont want to hurt that person.

or get rejected.

but this feeling is getting too much for me,

i dont want to face this.

please someone just tell me,

what am i to do.

if you read my blog,

do sms me,

i am speaking this to the person,

who i love very very much.

Post Created Aug 1, 2011 8:04:59 PM

2011-08-01T20:03:00.001+08:00

I have to smile.
I cant be like this.
I have to forget.
Emily, please please smile.

For that person's sake, just smile.
I know you rather see that person smile than cry right?

So please smile now.
That person will surely smile.
I love that person.
When it can be a her or him

I know your feelings.
Haishhh.

Teachers are useless.
School counselors are fakes.
Authorities are invisible.
They might as well all disappear.

Where were you teachers,
When i am bullied?
Where were you counselors,
When they're in the wrong?

Why do you all close your
Eyes to the truth,
And only paid attention
To the false?

To accuse me of something
That i didnt do.
And punish me
For something i never done.

Till now,
I have been bullied.
And where were you teachers?!

You spoke empty promises,
Speaking so genuine i even
Believed you would be able to help,
But when they continue bullying,

WHERE IS YOUR HIGHLY
ACCLAIMED HELP?!
empty promises,
Useless people.

You guys didnt do anything
To help me!
You expect me to trust you
Teachers, counselors and authorities?!

I cant.
I really cant.
You may all only see
A young, happy and cheerful girl.

But thats just the surface.
Because deep inside,
She's hurting, lonely and
Spiteful of her uselessness.

Wondering everyday.
What did she ever done
To deserve all this?
Why bully her?

Why go the road
Where you will cause her suffering?
What had she done?
Just because she's quiet?

Does that mean you boys
Have to laugh,
Insult or
Ostracize her?!

I cant be angry anymore.
I had promised someone to
Leave all my bitterness at the foot
Of the cross.

I wonder if she got read
My blog.
Because if she does,
I wanna tell her she is very much

Cherished by me.
I love that person.
<3

2011-07-31T18:05:00.002+08:00

How?

I feel so useless.

Looking at you cry.

i cant even cheer you up.

i feel agonized.

i feel sad.

i feel hopeless

and helpless.

what should i do to cheer you up?

what can i do?

you seem upset every week.

looking at you cry,

but not able to do anything,

do you know how frustrating is it to me?

i cant even wipe your tears away,

for fear you might think im disgusting.

i swore to myself before,

that i will never make you cry again.

but i cant see you crying,

when i cant do anything.

it was then that i realised,

i had fallen deep in love with the wrong person,

but i do not mind

if its you.

Post Created Jul 30, 2011 8:03:50 PM

2011-07-30T20:02:00.001+08:00

I have no mood to post
Today.
Sorry.
My brain shut off liao.

And honestly,
I felt like fainting
After buying Jingli's
Bubbletea just now.

Im tired.
I slept at 12
And woke up at 7.
What do you think?

Any normal human would
Have slept.
But i didnt.
So im really tired.

Haishhhh.
Revising math later.
Gotta go and sleep now.

See ya all in church tomorrow.
Super tired now.
Brain not working.
Want to cry

Also cannot. ):
Haiiishhhhhh.
love you all. ^^

2011-07-29T18:07:00.002+08:00

The pictures had

said all those i wanted to let you know.

i would really like it,

if you could understand my unspoken words.

i need you.

as my emotional stabiliser.

i need you

here to listen to me.

i wished you would just know

how important you are to me,

and not others.

i only look at you,

when everybody's there.

when i see you with others,

my heart aches.

and i feel that familiar bitterness inside me.

its not easy for me.

because i need you.

but it pains me to see

there's someone else other than just me.

i wished i would just belong to you,

and only you,

if that were the same case for you,

boy, i will feel like flying.

i love you.

i really do.

do text me.

i need your ears. ):

Post Created Jul 28, 2011 9:38:38 PM

2011-07-28T21:37:00.001+08:00

Why do i feel
So tired.
Why cant i cheer up a bit
And look at things a little

More different?
And then theres this guy
Who sms me,
I really hate him.

You know what he did?
Whenever he smses me,
I replied back,
He gave me '):'

Then when i sms him what happen,
He said 'dw tell you.'
What de?!

If you are intending to
Tell me this,
Dont even give me that expression.
Causing me unnecessary anxiety.

Dont sms me
Without even telling me
Why are you unhappy.
I dont like it.

Im trying to be concerned
For you,
Trying to understand you.
Yet you deny me to come in

How am i supposed to talk to you?
Dont sms me anymore.
Im tired of your crap.
I dont even feel like talking

To this kind of moody guy
With no intention
Of telling
Why are you unhappy.

Pathetic,
Cowardly
Hopeless
Idiotic guy.

I feel so useless with myself.
Disappointed
And infuriated with myself.
I feel like killing myself.

I am hopeless,
Because it seems like
I tend to keep forgetting stuff.
I want to cry already.

How can this happen?
Ms tan's gonna kill me tomorrow.
Please somebody,
Just kill me already.

I dont want to face her wrath
ttomorrow.
Scary.
And creepy.

2011-07-27T18:35:00.002+08:00

I need help.

like i dont know how to say this.

but this is pissing me off.

what should i say?

i'm always forever insecure.

and i hate it so much

fine.

this is gonna be a super short post.

cos' i am busy.

i had nothing to do today.

POA test was crap.

cos i dont know how to do it,

and i want to make my teacher know that,

he's the cause of everything.

i hate going to remedial

cos' i dont want to see that freaking teacher.

who judges us.

who doubts us students.

today was busy.

tomorrow will be a better day. <3

byeee. :)

tomorrow its my history test. :x

Post Created Jul 26, 2011 9:16:42 PM

2011-07-26T21:15:00.001+08:00

What shall i write today...
I have no idea.
Seriously.
Im just clueless now

I think its impossible.
For me to cheer up.
Probably its just PMS.
Which is what i want to say.

But i dont think it is.
Sadly.
Today math test was postponed.

All the anxiety.
All the tears.
For nothing.
The real things coming next week

Zzz.
I feel siann okay.
Like really.
I was all hyped up,

In the end.
They just popped my bubble.
Leaving me speechless.
I knw my blog is super emo.

But i cant help it.
My mood swings takin
Control of me.
Oh shucks.

Then tomorrow have POA remedial
Which is the last thing
I want to think of right now.
Siannn la.

That teacher who dont even believed
Me N Alex,
Accused us.
How am i supposed to like his lessons?!

You got to be kidding me.
If the day ever comes
When i like his lessons,
Will be the day i kill myself.

I had a lot of respect for him
Initially.
Haishhh.
All because of his personality.

I hate it so much.
Just bomb yourself with
MOE.
I dont want to see a failed teacher

IN MY LIFE.
Serious.
Get lost.
Im not in the good mood now.

Dont try to get on my nerves.
Because i might just
Disrupt the class.
And i dont care.

If you can so easily accuse
Students for skipping
Your class
Without knowing the real reason

Behind it,
You have already failed as a
Teacher.
And you should just resign.

Be fortunate enough that i
Am not yet pissed off.
If i am,
I worry for your sanity.

Because thats when i
Really snapped
And i become
Crazy immediately.

Okay fine.
Byeee.
POA test tomorrow.
And i dont care.

POA, get lost from my life.

2011-07-25T18:05:00.004+08:00

Wait,

i cant believe you're my lil sister's friend.

dont even say you're her friend,

if you keep on bullying her.

you know me,

as her older sister,

felt her heart really broke

when she heard that her lil cute sister is bullied?

do you know how that feels?

sigh...

i feel so dejected.

and depressed.

siannn.

haishh.

school's busy.

AND TOMORROW'S MY MATH TEST.

FREAK.

I HAVE NOT BEEN PREPARING MYSELF MENTALLY FOR THIS.

I AM SCARED.

I AM REALLY SCARED.

i feel so nervous.

how how how.

someone please help me.

haish

then tomorrow still have to stay back until

8pm.

omg.

then i am even busy tomorrow.

this sucks.

i want my old life back.

i dont want to study sec 4 if sec 3 is already

a torture to me.

fine.

byee.

gonna revise my math.

i wanna pass it.

like seriously.

2011-07-24T19:33:00.002+08:00

Siann.

tomorrow school starts.

why am i not looking forward to school?

i feel so tired.

this is so depressing.

and distressing.

i dont want to see daddy.

he has such bad temper.

and he gets angry so easily.

i get so scared of him.

i dont like him

i dont know him at all.

and i dont wish to see him either.

sian.

all he cares about is work work and work.

this is really infuriating.

when he dont even try to

understand us teenagers.

and think he know everything,

when he has the old style thinking.

its so angry.

i dislike him.

he should just continue working.

and not appear in front of me.

when he's around,

he makes me even angry

because he dont talk nicely.

and gets so angry.

for absolutely no reason.

this is disgusting.

i hate him.

he should just continue working.

cos even if he works,

he does nothing

to understand his daughters.

and i am tired of making effort to keep understanding him.

shut up.

stop venting your frustrations on me.

i had enough of you.

i dont feel like seeing you.

2011-07-22T18:58:00.005+08:00

Why am i trying so hard

to fit in,

when i am born

to stand out?

The more i try not to care,

the more i end up caring.

Dear Future,

i am scared you will turn out

the way my past did.

Sincerely, Present.

Haish.

Today was tiring.

The china HaiHe buddies come.

i got a buddy before anyone else.

hahaha..

her name is Wang Miao.

quite okay la she.

i kind of like her.

but too bad Zhi Fei never come.

byeee.

nothing much to say.

Tomorrow tuition.

byeee<3

Post Created Jul 21, 2011 9:53:37 PM

2011-07-21T21:52:00.001+08:00

You dont have to care about me.
Just let me die.
Let me die of overstudying
Without any rest or fun.

Let me die.
Kill me please.
I cant stand this studying anymore
I want to die.

There are so many
Cars out there,
Why cant one of them
Just hit and run me over?

I dont want to be at home.
I want to escape from this house.
I dont like this family.
I HATE BEING AT HOME.

Someone please ,
Just stab me.
Kill me, i would gladly
Take it a thousand times.

Now even if i score well,
Even if i get 49/50,
You will still not praise me,
Tell me i have been trying my best.

No.
You only see me when i am
Having my rest.
I study for 19 hours a day,

5 hours of sleep,
Do you know my brain is about to
Explode anytime soon?!

I keep wanting to sleep
In class.
Or run away from home
Anytime.

I didnt want to go home
Today.
I didnt even feel like looking
At my parents,

Who cant even understand my difficulties.
Shut up.
Well, nobody believes me anyway.
Even my POA teacher.

I hate MR WONG.
i hate him i hate him.
Please la, i never even gotten the Remedial form at all.

How can you look at
Me and Alex with those accusing eyes
And say we didnt attend the remedial?!
Do you know how much i feel

Like disrupting the class
And scold back at you,
Wanting you to get your facts right. Before coming to accuse us of not Attending?!

Freako.
Please la,
We didnt even get the consent forms to Attend it, HOW CAN YOU BE SO ABSURD?

Oh, you say you did say our names.
HELLO?
during remedial?!
When we are already on the way home?!

FREAK YOU MR WONG.
STOP ACCUSING US
AS IF WE KNOW WE NEED TO GO
BUT PURPOSELY MISS IT LIKE THAT.

Shut ur asshole up.
This time, its not me and alex in the Wrong,
its YOU, Mr Wong O.K.
Get the hell out of my life.

I dont want to see a teacher
Who can even distrust HIS own
Students.
What a failure.

Im not afraid of posting this.
Cos i am in no way
Wrong to do it.
Come and confront me lah.

Im not scared.
Even better,
I can tell them what you say to us.

Whats with your nonsense of
Trying to send us to detention
For not attending a remedial
Which we werent informed of

Needing to attend it?!
Shut up la.
And i can tell you this.
My parents dont know what im going
Through in school.

They dont even concern about
My welfare in school.
And i am tired of caring liao.
I should just heck care.

SHUT UR HELL UP,
ADULTS.

2011-07-20T21:06:00.002+08:00

I am tireddd.

my eyes closing down.

zzz.

nooooooooooooooooooooo.

haishhh.

sadded.

like seriously.

TOMORROW'S MY END OF YEAR

F&N PRACTICAL EXAM.

I SERIOUSLY HOPE I HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO DO FINISH.

OH MY GAWDDDD.

haish

no point emo-ing all about it.

fine.

i going to continue doing my tuition homework.

im buseehhhh.

really really busy.

x.x

my eyes cannot focus liao.

im seeing things.

LOL.

ha.

buai.

i hope i can pass my exam.

byeeeeeeeee! x3

2011-07-19T18:59:00.002+08:00

I can't believe i am still breathing.

okay, before you start thinking,

oh no,

this is gonna lead to a emo post,

stop.

it's not.

and now its still not.

ahhahaha.

i am still confused.

i don't know if i should continue this way.

i kept going round in circles,

and nothing happens.

today at school

is tiring.

and really crazy.

i really hope i can get through this.

because i wanna kill myself.

though i had promised Lord,

but i don't know how long can i control this anymore.

because i am stuck.

in my emotions.

in my mood.

i don't want to be in this school anymore.

this is sickening.

my school is crazy.

and seriously NOT NICE to study in.

cos' you feel the stress

from every teacher,

the work

and the time we have to stay in school.

forget it,

if i were to go insane someday.

don't bother looking for me,

cos' i would have jumped down from the tower.

zzz.

byeee.

2011-07-18T21:09:00.003+08:00

Even the best fall down sometimes.

SO TELL ME,

you understand how we secondary study system is like??

think again.

try studying in Jurongville.

Where only crazy people survives.

because it's too stressful.

and the stress teachers placed on us.

seriously.

you havent even experience how it feels,

and here you are giving me a scolding

for sleeping late at night???

shut your hell up.

after what you said those words just now,

i seriously feel like killing myself.

i feel like cutting my wrists again.

but i can't.

firstly, its because i am still in the 40DOC.

secondly, i made a promise to God i will never hurt my own body.

thirdly, i love God so much that i don't want to hurt Him,

even though i am sorry for causing Him to be upset at me everytime.

SHUT UP SHUT UP.

SHUT UR HELL UP.

WHAT?

ARE YOU TRYING TO KIDD WITH ME?

I HAVE WORK.

I HAVE TONS OF HOMEWORK.

I'M NOT THAT FREE LIKE YOU THINK.

I CANT SLEEP AT 10.

COS' I JUST CANT.

SHUT UR TRAP UP.

I DONT WISH TO SEE YOU.

NEITHER DO I FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU.

SO DISAPPEAR PLEASE.

BECAUSE WITH YOU AROUND,

I FEEL SO MISERABLE,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU START USING THOSE

INHUMAN VOCAB,

WHICH I WOULDN'T EVEN USE BECAUSE I AM HUMAN,

AND SOMEMORE YOU'RE JUST CONTRADICTING YOURSELF BY

DOING THE STUFF THAT YOU PROMMISED THAT YOU WON'T DO.

SHUT YOUR TRAP UP.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE SEEING YOU.

I'M LIKE SUPER DOWN NOW.

SO DON'T DISTURB ME.

I WOULD SUGGEST YOU LEAVING ME ALONE,

TO CRY IN THE NIGHT.

STOP TRYING TO PICK A QUARREL WITH ME FOR NOTHING,

BECAUSE I HAD ENOUGH.

ENOUGH ALREADY,

FREAK YOU.

I AM GETTING AFFECTED.

I CAN'T COS TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF 40DOC,

I CAN'T LET IT AFFECT ME.

BYE.

2011-07-17T17:55:00.003+08:00

i will cheer up.

relax.

breathe.

calm down

move forward.

live life like you never lived before.

be happy.

cos' the very one you held dear to your life,

might just be always near.

which is once what i believed in.

i think.

i hope tomorrow will be a better day.

seriously,

i don't have anything today to say.

i just wanna say,

i LOVE THAT PERSON

ALOT ALOT ALOT.

just that that person doesnt know yet.

well i hope he/she knows fast. :X

Post Created Jul 16, 2011 8:08:40 PM

2011-07-16T20:07:00.001+08:00

Shut up shut up.
Stop making my life
A living hell.
Get lost please.

The reason why
I am acting like this
Was because of you
You made my life a living hell.

I hate you.
I hate you i hate you.
To you
My results are lousy.

Getting a 39/50 is not
Enough for you.
Getting a fail for math
Is a disgrace for you

In front of your friends.
I hate you.
Stop comparing me
With those prestigious schools.

Why do i feel so empty?
Why am i not looking forward
To school and home?
How can i feel like this?

I cant believe this.
Its so absurd.
== why must i feel this way
Why cant i be more..positive?

I wish i could.
I wish i can be positive.
That heart wrenching
Moment you felt

When you turn onto
Facebook and see your friends
Hanging out, having so much fun
Without you.

Will you just hold me?
Im mad about myself,
Not you.

Im mad at myself for
Not hating you,
For apologizing things which i
Did not do.

For wishing for you,
Dreaming about you,
Loving you,
Getting uncontrolled by

My emotions.
Wasting my time,
Thinking about you,
Wanting you.

For always making
You my time,
Depending on you,
For always being nice.

Most of all,
I know i should
Be letting go of you
But i cant.

2011-07-15T16:28:00.003+08:00

I am feeling very bored.

really really bored.

i don't know what else should i do anymore.

i am seriously hungry.

time's up for me.

i needa go.

blogshop stuff i mean.

haiish

i am tired.

and pissed off.

well,

today there's Fitness Run,

so ..no school.

just walk.

boringgg.

when its our Upper Sec time

to walk the whole of Jap & Chi Garden,

it starts raining.

aiiiish.

then we walk back,

getting all drenched.

i'm wet for two times.

but i wont even get sick

from being all drenched.

so i don't really care about getting all wet,

especially when my mood is down for this two days. Again.

i don't dare to say about all this

to them,

for i know i will worry them,

and annoy them with all my negative comments.

therefore,

i shall ignore my past.

i am much rather more interested in their

stories than mine.

haa.

now i needa go Tiong Bahru.

to get my japanese uniforms.

byee. :)

i know it's a really short post.

but no choice.

i am currently emotionless now.

i don't know what i should be feeling now.

it's like,

emptiness,

but not knowing

the reason why.

kkk.

byeee.

Post Created Jul 14, 2011 9:51:42 PM

2011-07-14T21:50:00.001+08:00

I feel so tired today.
I need sleep.
like seriously.
Else im gonna faint.

I have a gastric attack today
And it pains me so much.
But i have to hurry
Get used to it.

Cos i will keep
Forgetting to bring
My medication.
But the medicine arent doing

Well as where they are.
So practically useless.
Haishhh.

/:
When can i finally
Feel full?
Im always hungry.

:( and today i almost fell
Because i skipped breakfast,
I skipped lunch.
And i felt really faint now.

>< haiiishh.
And i am getting weak
With wobbling legs.
I easily fall too.

Im not perfect.
Neither am i totally holy.
Im a human after all.
I may be a Christian,

But that doesnt mean
Christians dont sin,
That they are supposed to be
Perfect.

No.
Having to be whole
Yet without feeling to be
Perfect

Is the only choice i
Would make.
I desire for much things
I covet so much things,

But the only thing
I want now
Is to be ready enough,
To be ready for second coming

Of Christ.
Lord,
When will i be
Ready for u?

Help me to stay strong,
Because i feel so hopeless now.

Im not happy,
Not to sound depressed,
But im just not happy.

There's something
Missing.
Please God,
Find this missing piece

Because it hurts like hell.
And now,
I feeling really pissed off.

He call my friend a bitch!
And whats more,
My friend loved him so much,
Yet he broke her heart

By calling her a bitch
And what,
Five days late?
What his problem?!

I can forget it
When he called alex
Bitch once,

But two times is
Really offending
And insulting.

What he want?
Thqt what im with now
Is a bitch?

Shut up la,
Freako.
I dont tolerate someone who call
My friends

Names that is
Demeaning
To the person.
So shut ur mouth up.

Im really pissed off now.
Dont you EVER appear in front of me
Cos i think
I might slap you if i see you.

2011-07-13T18:33:00.002+08:00

Note to self :

Stop expecting.

I like it when you smile,

but i love it when i am the reason.

I love it when

i hear lyrics

that totally apply

to my current situation.

I'm not the only one for you,

but you're the only one for me.

Somewhere between our laughs,

long talks and

all our jokes,

i fell in love with you.

I'm sorry i can't be perfect,

but will you accept someone with

their very own

ugly, imperfections?

even though she have a lot

of weaknesses,

will you still accept her

for who she is inside?

i'm feeling sickening today.

why must the boys hate me so much?

i didn't do anything to them,

why are they doing this to me?

now because of Mr. Chok,

they are like so wary of me,

and laughing or sniggering whenever

i got close to them to ask them something.

this is disgusting,

outrageous,

and sickening.

i'm feeling sick in the stomach.

i hate this.

i really do.

i hate going to school.

i really do.

the school counselors in our school,

is no use.

they are just paid to listen.

i hate them so much.

bye.

2011-07-12T18:01:00.002+08:00

I wish for many things.

I wish you wouldnt disappear on me.

i wish you would see that i am hurting behind that facade.

that i want you to understand,

it hurts me to see those.

and i don't want it anymore.

i am so sleepy.

so tired.

when will i be able to get rest?

when will it be enough?

am i not trying hard enough?

then tell me,

how long,

how long must it take,

for you to approve of me.

i am sorry

that i am not as hyper,

bright,

fun as the others,

but i can assure you that,

i will be the only one who can

give you the smile

that nobody else can,

and give you a hug

that you will never forget.

so please,

i may look like i'm quiet,

at the same time,

thousand thoughts are drifting past my mind.

i want to say so much stuff,

but i don't know how to phrase it better.

i have so much problems,

and i am not used to be in big groups.

i prefer smaller groups.

because being in bigger groups,

trigger something in my memories,

and i will tremble while

being so anxious and nervous

without even knowing the reason why.

i know i need help.

but i aren't asking.

for fear i may seem irritating.

and scaring that

i will affect their moods.

i prefer to see their smiles.

not frowns,

not tears,

not disgust

or annoyed look.

i just want them to listen.

and tell me,

that i've been trying my best.

i have been skipping meals for a week now.

i just don't feel like eating lunch.

i know i will faint anytime.

cos' from past experiences, i have before.

i almost fainted once,

it's like,

i suddenly fell,

and my legs just crumbled.

i didn't know what happened,

i just felt faint,

and staggered.

that was something i wont forget.

but i dont know why,

lately,

i have been so cranky,

and being extemely affected by my mood swings.

in front of them,

i may seem like i am very strong,

actually i am not.

haiish.

rather than explaining why am i not talking,

i rather say i have nothing to talk,

do you understand now?

oh gosh.

i keep flaring my temper at Agnus

or Evelyn.

i'd better control it,

or else i will lose it.

maybe cos' im hungry?

but i don't know why,

i have no appetite.

dear me.

i don't know what happen.

and today,

i quarreled with Alex.

because of some trivial matters.

my mood just plunged

and i just stomped away

without even saying goodbye.

i have no mood.

busy schedules,

crazy workload,

piling tests,

is making me insane.

and losing control of myself.

help.

someone please listen.

2011-07-11T17:59:00.002+08:00

What can i do now...

my eyes are so tired.

my body is so lethargic.

my head is hurting.

i am falling sick.

i might be absent from school soon.

perhaps its lack of sleep?

i caught a flu now.

.__.

oh gosh,

i hope i wont miss math.

Today is so siann.

study study study.

i am revising math later.

boring life.

i have a crazy school.

that stresses people.

now im all zoned out.

byeee.

thats it for today.

haiiishh.

i am so busyyy.

and i am not feeling well.

byeeeee x3

Love you guys.

I love you , you and you.

And i love Gao Min, Nicole Tan and Nicole Liang. <3

Post Created Jul 10, 2011 5:37:36 PM

2011-07-10T17:36:00.001+08:00

I saw her.
I saw her at the busstop!
I was filled with a strong urge
To confront her.

Because of her,
My past is traumatic to me.
I had a trauma.
My mind even forgotten the memory.

But when i see her,
I even trembled,
The memories came rushing back
and i was like did that all really happen?

I remembered the past.
Before i remembered, i only
Know my past is very hideous.
And now, today, those memories

Came rushing back like a hurricane.
I am speechless.
Shocked.
Now i wished i never

Saw her.
No no no.
Let the memories disappear again.
Please please.

Let them be gone.
I dont want to see them.
Its too painful.
Noooooo.

Will someone help me?
Lord, will you please
Let me forget them?
They are the reason.

Why am i so quiet?
Why am i so bored?
Why am i so indecisive?
Why am i so lonely?

Because of them.
Because of her.
I wished it would just
Be gone.

Forget it.
Im done.
I know how my past
Is like now.

):):):
I have been living by
My feelings all these years.
Now i remembered.

The glitch in my mind
Has disappeared.

2011-07-09T22:50:00.002+08:00

Is this what i was thinking?

Was this all along your planning?

Why?

Why must you hurt me so?

I'm still badly affected by my past.

to think they will resort to such methods,

just to get revenge.

i'm hurt.

how can they?

how can they betray my trust in guys?

how can they make me

hate guys even more?

no, please, no.

stop doing this.

i'm shocked.

thoroughly shocked.

how can my closest friend in primary school

do this to me?

how can she...

i need to forget about it.

it's been so long,

but i cringe everytime i remembered about

the time my pri sch friend tell me everything.

i was so shocked.

i almost faint.

i got a trauma since then.

i've been so afraid to be in love again,

though funny,

i still yearn for a guy to understand me.

to talk to me.

to love me the way i am..

cos' only doing that,

can he really let me forget about that guy.

i'm seriously wondering,

is there such a person

who can touch my soul

and make me

open up my soul

to him?

i don't think so.

because what if that guy dislike me?

after knowing my painful past,

my illness, my allergies, my imperfections?

will he still like me the way i am?

i hope so...

gotta go.

i have a long day tomorrow.

need the attentiveness on full max.

:):)

i know its such a short post,

but today, other than tuition,

there's nothing else interesting.

cos i get to see her! ^-^ :3

byeeee.

love,

Konoe_Emily.